Gentlemen, Start Your Babies!

(Copyright 2008 by Valentine J. Brkich. First printed in the Sept. 2008 edition of The Point North Magazine, Wexford, Pa.)

So, here we go. Time to enter phase two of The Parenthood Adventure. Up until now, things have been pretty simple. Oh, sure, the past 10 and a half months have certainly been challenging at times, i.e., midnight feedings, diaper disasters, missing binkies, etc. But until just the other day, our baby has been pretty much immobile. This was one of our favorite things about her. She could roll around a little, but, basically, wherever you left her, that's where she'd be when you returned. Not anymore.

The other day my daughter figured out how to crawl. Granted, she's not breaking any land-speed records just yet, but she's moving, nonetheless. Farewell to those lazy days of lying on the floor watching our cute little stationary baby do cute little stationary baby things. Welcome to the days of endlessly chasing after our baby, saying "No!" and "Don't touch that!" and "Hey, drop that beer!"

There is so much more to worry about now. When a baby is just a few months old, you can basically set her anywhere and be confident that she'll still be there whenever you get back. For example, you can leave her on the kitchen counter after you give her a bath in the sink, while you run off to grab a towel from the bathroom, knowing that she'll be right where you left her when you return. Not that I would ever do such a thing.

But now, this has all changed. Now we have to keep an eye on her at all times. Now we have to "baby-proof" the house, as they say. We have to scan every inch of our house for anything she might grab and choke on or pull over or break. We have to cordon off certain areas of our house with those annoying and unsightly gates and barriers. We have to understand that, if we set her down somewhere, say in the living room, while we run off to check our e-mail, there's a good chance she won't be in the living room when we get back. Not that I would ever do such a thing.

The one thing I really don't want to do is put those ugly little rubber guards over all the sharp corners on our furniture. I think instead we should just sell our dangerous wooden furniture and replace it with more baby-friendly inflatable furniture. Do they make inflatable coffee tables?

There are some good things, however, about my baby girl being able to crawl. For one, now she can go get her own toy instead of making Daddy, who's had a long day at work, get up off the couch and get it for her. Furthermore, if I wanted to, I could sit on the couch and toss things across the room for her to go fetch, sort of like if we had a new puppy. Not that I would ever do such a thing.

Valentine J. Brkich is a writer and father who thinks he better get in shape if he's going to be able to keep up with his little munchkin. Drop him a line at val@brkichwriting.com.