Problem Child

(Copyright 2008 by Valentine J. Brkich. First printed in the Dec. 2008 edition of The Point North Magazine, Wexford, Pa.)

I have a confession to make, and I'm a little embarrassed about it. Actually, it's not even about me, it's about my daughter, but it's still difficult to talk about. You see, my daughter has a problem. She has a few problems actually, and I think that although she'll probably be upset with me, the best way to deal with these problems is to talk about them openly and reveal them to a bunch of total strangers like you.

First of all – and there's really no easy way to say this – my daughter pees her pants. All the time. She does "number 2" in her pants all the time, too. It's a daily occurrence, several times a day, actually. It's so bad that she has to wear a diaper all the time, even when she sleeps. We've tried to tell her that she needs to use the toilet, but she just looks up at us and babbles something completely incoherent. It's like she doesn't even know what a toilet is.

And that's another problem we have with her: communication. When my wife and I want something, we just ask for it. But my daughter is stubborn, and she never tells us exactly what it is she wants. Instead, she just cries or screams or throws things until we can guess what it is that she wants. When she does this at home, it's aggravating. But when she does this in public, it's mortifying. People just stare at us like we're crazy or something.

I'm also sorry to say that my daughter has a drinking problem. You should see her. She can never take a drink without spilling it all over herself, and sometimes she even misses her mouth completely. They say the first step to recovery is having the person admit that she has a problem in the first place. But we can't even get her to say "mama"; how in the world are we supposed to get her to say "I have a drinking problem?"

Another thing is the way she eats. It's disgusting. She refuses to use utensils and eats everything with her bare hands. Half the time she misses her mouth completely, and the food ends up all over her face, on her outfit and on the floor. And when she's had her fill, instead of just saying she's finished, she starts playing with her food and throwing it all over the place. Going out to eat isn't even an option anymore.

One last thing (and this may be the most embarrassing of all), my daughter has a bad habit of chewing on everything. No matter what it is – a rock, a stick, a bowie knife – you name it, she'll stick it in her mouth and chew on it. The frame of her crib has so many teeth marks on it that you'd think we're raising a beaver instead of a daughter.

Now, I know what you're thinking: she's just 15 months old; she doesn't know any better. Sure, that's easy for you to say. But I'd like to see how you'd react if your daughter passed gas during the sermon at your church loud enough for the entire congregation to hear. I think you'd be whistling a different tune.

For now, all we can do is hope that she'll grow out of all these bad habits and become a normal, respectable member of society. In the meantime, we'll just have to deal with her infantile behavior the best we can.

Now, if you'll excuse me…I think I hear my daughter eating the remote control.