Close Encounters of the Baby Kind

(Copyright 2009 by Valentine J. Brkich. First printed in the January 2009 edition of The Point North Magazine, Wexford, Pa.)

I’m not sure how it happened, but my daughter is not the same tiny person she used to be.

We’ve had her for a little over a year now. During this time, she’s been a quiet, calm, mostly immobile little girl who will eat anything you put in front of her, including sticks, paper products and the occasional finger.

But one night she went to sleep, and the next morning everything had changed.

I’ve heard horror stories from other parents about how their child won’t eat anything. They literally have to pry the kid’s mouth open and shove the food inside, which inevitably comes flying back out, all mushy and wet, landing right smack on the parent’s face.

We’ve never had that problem. Until now. The same little girl, who we once bragged about for ingesting anything within range of her mouth, suddenly decided one day that she didn’t want to eat anymore. Instead, she now prefers to toss her food on the floor while giving us a stare that says “I dare you to try and stop me!”

I don’t get it. What happened to our good little eater? It’s like she woke up one day and thought, “Wait a second…what is this? Broccoli? What am I doing in this high chair when I could be running all over the house touching things?”

And that brings up another point. How can someone barely be able to crawl one day and run around like Carl Lewis the next?

For the first several months of her life, all my daughter did was lie around. It was wonderful. Then, gradually, she started to roll around from place to place. Still manageable. But then she began to crawl, and – POOF! – like magic, she suddenly became bipedal and refused to be held anymore. Call me crazy, but walking seems like something that would take some practice to learn. And unless she was training in the middle of the night in her crib, I can’t see how she suddenly just figured it out.

So here’s what I think. Either my daughter has been toying with us all this time in some devious plot to lull us into a parental slumber, or she was kidnapped by alien invaders and replaced by an evil clone as part of a larger plot to take over our household by frustrating and exhausting us into submission. I’m leaning towards the latter.

So what can we do? Well, based on her reactions, nothing whatsoever. It’s just not worth it. Personally, I’d like it if someone wanted to hold me and carry me around all the time. And I’d really enjoy being fed three times a day without having to cook or clean up anything (oh, wait, that already happens).

If my alien daughter clone wants to kick and scream when I try to pick her up, if she wants to toss her food on the floor and spit masticated mashed potatoes in my face, so be it. After all, my feeble human powers are useless against her.

Valentine J. Brkich is a writer and author who’s raising a beautiful little alien clone. If you have any advice for him, please drop him a line...before it’s too late! val@brkichwriting.com